The Rule of 10

UniQpoet,

I tend to chuckle to myself alot, I often remember funny moments, hilarious jokes, conversations and even conversations that aren’t “funny” per se but conversations which bring up topics presented in an interesting manner about deep topics. One conversation in particular I keep drawing upon is between me and a classmate from graduate school. Last summer on her last day at the hospital we had lunch together. She was moving on to a professorship at another teaching hospital and she was very excited about it. She is single and has a teenage daughter and she was talking about how where she was moving had more potential to do more in her career and socially. Now how we got on the topic of relationships escapes me at this moment, more than likely we got there simply because we were both successful African-Americans who were not married but I was feeling the pinch from family to settle down. My classmate looked at me, rolled her eyes and said, “Married people are soooo unhappy!” She continued, “Hell, I can be that unhappy by myself!” I think what she said coupled with how she reacted while she made the statement always sat with me as like I mentioned the conversation in general.

For a while at my last job at a “prominent” HBCU, I was surrounded by some REALLY jaded married people. There were some moments where I thought every co-worker who was having marital issues were going to just end it! Naturally that kind of threw me for a loop and at that time I felt kind of like my classmate, what is the f*cking point!  Today I thought again about that moment and it got me to thinking why is there an overall feeling that married folks in general are miserable when it is apparent that there are good marriages and bad marriages is that thing that causes the tension in relationships/marriages?

Let me try this hypothesis: First to start I think couples are in the middle and swing (kind of in manic fashion) between bliss and anger. So one day it’s “I love her” the next day is “She got to go!” One day it’s, “He’s such a good man. The next: “I will cut that m^therf*ckers balls off!!! Like Chris Rock said, “If you haven’t contemplated murder, you haven’t been in love.”

Now I know that was a bit extreme, but I needed to provide an illustration for my hypothesis.

My father presented me with a life scenario which is very true. He said to me, if you have 100 tasks to complete and of those you do 99 right and screw up the last one, for some reason everyone always seems to remember the screw up. That is very true about life and says a lot about human nature, we tend to focus on the bad or the negative while we are inundated with positive results and outcomes. Well I honestly don’t know anyone who could (or has) thought of 100 things that they like or dislike about their relationship. So I thought it would make more sense to look at 10 things.

So here it goes:

If in a relationship there are 10 things that bind you or hold you together to another, you can best believe that one of those things is the one thing that is the stumbling block that is causing the unhappiness or discomfort in your relationship. For example, insecurity has been an issue that we have both discussed on a number of occasions. That seems to be the sticking point issue for your relationship as well as mine.  I think that the one thing that creates tension in a relationship (that  1 of 10) is what keeps the flip from I love you to I hate you alive and well.

Did I just over think this or is this hypothesis ready to be tested for theory?

The Professor

Here’s Where the Henpecking Begins…

Writer’s Note: The title is a play on a song by the 90’s Alternative Group, The Sundays and their song, Here’s Where the Story Ends. I Just thought it was cool, anyone else remember that group?

Splenda, Sweet &Low or Equal? As long as my coffee gets sweetened, I could care less what gets it done. When me and my gf started dating, she introduced me to the Original Pancake House. If you haven’t been there, add it to your list of things to do before you die. Yes, there is usually a line because it is so good but it is well worth it. Over a stack of pancakes with eggs and sausage and her omelet, the “sugar” conversation was born. 

As I normally do, I reached for some packets of regular sugar and Sweet and Lo (Someone once told me they had a theory about mixing the two and how the Sweet & Lo enhances the regular sugar.  Hell, when two scientists have a discussion over a theory, sometimes it makes sense and that conversation did and I have mixed the two ever since) and my gf asked me what I was doing. I told her putting sugar in my coffee. She looked horrified and begged me to use Splenda. I really didn’t see what the big deal was, but she went on to remind me how bad Sweet & Lo was bad for me because it was known to cause cancer. My response, “Hell something is going to take me away from here”, as I stirred my coffee and began to drink.  Of course she didn’t like my response and began to tell me how bad it could be if I used the stuff on a regular basis. I am thinking at this point, she is the only high school teacher who has attended medical school! So I relented and as often as possible, I use Splenda in my coffee.

But then it got a bit more intense…

I am a huge fan of BBQing, it isn’t summer without the grill, some beer (or some alcoholic beverage), good music and friends/family to share it with. So she starts talking about grilling food and the potential it has to be unhealthy. Once again my response is something is going to kill me so why suck the joy out of BBQing?

I don’t like it when someone blows up my BBQ spot! Grilling out is sacred with me, don’t come at me with it’s unhealthy and maybe gas is better than charcoal.

Gas over charcoal????  I’m from the south, those are fighting words!!!

Before you start saying I am bitching about a woman who cares about me, let me stop you right there. I know this and I am very appreciative of that fact. However, I have always been a believer in “everything in moderation”. I don’t BBQ every day in the summer, I don’t drink coffee 24/7, I don’t drink booze 24/7 so relax, I got this! I think everyone has their vice or something that they enjoy and you should indulge in it as long as it doesn’t hurt you or others. There is nothing in this world that is truly good for you. Yeah sure, joggers are healthy until they drop dead for no reason, we see this happening quite frequently. So if I like BBQ and beer, let me have it. No one lives forever, life is to be enjoyed and not lived in fear. So go have that rack of ribs on the CHARCOAL grill, just remember after you lick all of the BBQ sauce off your fingers, belch and digest, take your happy pork filled ass to the gym. That’s what I am going to do, I need to stay healthy and sexified for my woman.

Class dismissed…

Getting Brand New

There is a friend of mine that I hadn't heard from in a while. She joined Facebook back in the summer and we used that means to keep in touch via FB as well as phone and email. Now I will admit that there is a bit of "history" between us and that could be a blog onto it's self but I noticed that when I met someone and we got together, we didnt talk as much. Honestly, it would not have registered in my mind right away that we werent talking as much (we were rather sporadic from the get in our communication) but good old Facebook clued me in. I sent her a birthday card and when she finally got it (she usually goes days without checking her mail), she sent me a note saying thanks and made a comment about my card. (I send comedic cards, sometimes racy and this one was both) So I went with it and after a couple of messages, she replied like...I cant talk about that with you, your involved. HUH!!!! I mean really, I just talk s*it I know my role and besides I am not driving 3 hours to try anything! So because I have a girl, all of a sudden you cant just have banter that we have had before, hell even when you had a man! Geez, I hate it when folks (male and/or female friends) get brand new!

I guess in my mind, nothing has changed just the fact that I cant go having random conversations with random women! She has known me for a few years now and I would think that she knows that I havent changed, the only thing that is different is that I have someone in my life. I am not going to not be cool with my friends or change my disposition so why should or why did she? Has this happened to you? What do you think about this situation or tell me about yours and how did it make you feel?

Fighting Demons? Hell, mine should be paying half the rent!

I find myself constantly looking inwards. I can respect anyone who is constantly looking inward, discovering new things about themselves and taking that information to grow as a person. When I am single, I lean on past relationships and lessons learned to ensure that I try to be better in the next relationship. I HATE comparing relationships, but to compare is inevitable. Why is that?

I think all relationships have common themes: being together, learning about one another, intimacy, emotion and other inportant things. What sets each relationship apart is how these elements are experienced. I dont think each relationship presents these elements the same, so that is where comparisons start. I can say that my last two relationships (those more than 1 year) ended ugly. I think the most immediate, previous relationship had more of an impact on me emotionally and from a baggage standpoint for a wide myriad of reasons.

The baggage I speak of has I think been the underlying cause of alot of our discussions U.P. and it causes me to be a somewhat more defensive. An example of this is when an argument is ensuing or has begun. I learned a while back that in life you have to "pick the hills you want to die on" or you "pick and choose your battles carefully." There are some things that I honestly wont argue about, I will simply ask "Is this worth it" because I spent alot of time with my ex fighting over alot of petty bullshit. Now that I have lived through that, I just refuse to argue over something ridiculous.

Now the title of this blog states that maybe I have not dealt with my demons appropriately. I dont think I have and sometimes I think I see where that can be a problem. So the question you posed is how can one deal with these things? I think the solution lies in communication. What we miss as people in trying to figure out why our relationships are anemic is that our communication is poor and we lack respect for each other. In regards to respect, I know that the basic level exists but when it comes to small interpersonal disagreements both sides feel some level of disrespect. That causes each person to state their positiion more strongly and the communication gets thrown out of the window.

I am a major proponent of communication, I think the average married couple can say that commnuication is one of the important tenets of their marriage. Where commnuication fails is when we hear, but we dont LISTEN. Most people dont know there is a major difference between the two. When we listen, we hear the true meaning behind the words. When we listen, we can feel the emotion and know (that is it) if it is real. When we listen, we can better be an advocate and friend for our partner. Many are afraid of sharing because of the lack of listening...we hear the words but we dont listen to the meaning.

So what have we learned? Pick your battles, Listen to your partner (dont just HEAR them) and try introspection sometime if you dont subscribe to it regularly, you might just like it.

Class Dismissed...

Fighting Your Demons

Can we get serious for a second? I mean really. Can we talk about some things?

I find myself getting abundantly introspective when I am in a relationship. What's interesting is that this introspection or self-inspection seems to happen whether I'm living the singular or plural life.

And what is it that I think about?

I think about what all men think about: am I in the right place at the right time? Now, before you get all confused and shit, I'm quite happy with my fiancée and where we are in our relationship. My question has to do with a man's personal baggage.

We tend to bring a lot of personal luggage into a relationship whether we want believe it or not. What kind of baggage are you talking about brotha? We carry into each new relationship a desire for something we had in the old relationship. If your ex-girlfriend gave you outstanding sex, you're going to have that expectation of the new love of your life. If your ex-girlfriend could put her foot in just about every meal she ever made you, you're going to expect your new sweetheart to put Epicurious.com to shame! On the flipside, however, you also bring another form of baggage: the hurt.

I tried to explain to a female friend of mine that it takes men a long time to trust. A good blowjob will make a man utter those three words: I love you. But, it takes a lot more for a man to give a woman the account numbers and passwords. When a man does, he expects that trust to never be betrayed. When it happens, it makes it that much harder to trust the next woman. Women tend to fall hard and fast. They dole out trust, most of the time, like it was a slice of pie. Leading with their hearts in damn near all affairs, they leave themselves open for all kinds of pain.

But...we don't do that sort of thing. Right?

Whenever you have an argument with your girlfriend (significant other), do you find yourself thinking about past arguments with past girlfriends? Do you find yourself experiencing déjà vu? And while you're reminiscing, are you getting even more upset because you thought the new girl was so very different from the old girl?

Are we there yet? Yes...this is the baggage!

You could extend this notion of baggage to the ever-so-evil practice of comparing your new to your old. We all try not to do it, but it's in a man's nature to believe that he has traded up with every new love. When we are faced with a taste of the old, however, we start second guessing shit. We start asking, "why am I here?" One has to believe that this baggage colors the relationship in a way that could be detrimental.

So, how do you avoid this situation? We want solutions damn it...not problems!

I really don't know. This is why I'm opening this up for discussion. How do we move beyond the bad memories of past loves? How do we move beyond our past baggage that we typically don't deal with? I've screwed up plenty relationships not dealing with my past demons. I'm getting better though (insert a smile).

Okay...talk amongst yourselves!!!

What do you notice first about a woman? What things do women do that turn you on?

Tough question, it depends what I am looking at and how I am looking at her. Hell, if I just see her from the back then I want to know if she got a nice caboose. If I can can see the whole package (she walks towards me and then walks away) then I get to take it all in and let my mind wander off.

My first adjunct job at a Community College, I worked with a fellow professor who was an African-American woman who taught Microbiology. She walked with a switch...drove me NUTS!!! I mean she was stacked but she walked as if shes wanted to get noticed! (or wanted you to look) Lets just say this...I looked!!! But wouldn't you know it...she was ENGAGED!!!



Remember back in the day when the girls wore Sergio Valente jeans? You knew the a*s was fat when the V's on the back jean pockets were stretched so far that they almost were horizontal!!! That's the kind of stuff I notice and what I miss. Applebottoms have that effect but damn, I see some chicks wearing those and the apple looks like a cherry! So sad, it is if you are being punished for a past transgression! Oh, I'm sorry...I got a bit distracted...Uniqpoet?

Not your Father's R&B, What do you like to groove to?

The Professor Says --

R&B sucks!!! There I said it! Usher is causing controversy with his new video and honestly I can't tell the difference between Chris Brown, Ne-Yo and who the f*ck ever else passes themselves off as male R&B artists these days. I may be showing my age because I don't know any of these guys, don't listen to them and hope they all get an STD! Do these guys make music that you could create that playlist where you can get your groove on to with your woman? I say no, in fact I so badly want a revival of the music of the past, you know your dad's R&B and that is some of the R&B I remember. I have 542 R&B songs on my iPod right now and alot of that is old school (and steadily growing!). Who do I like and who would be necessary for "Business Time" (ah yeah...you know what I am talkin about)?

Artists I like

The O'Jays (I think I was an O'Jay in a previous life...I'll tell that story some other time)

The Whispers: Was given a tip that their Greatest Hits Album is 5 star for Business Time

David Sanborn: Not R&B I know, but his album "Pearls" is NOT for anyone under 21. I recommend it highly as "Baby Making Music"

R. Kelly: You kind of knew he might get thrown in. Two words... 12 Play. That's it, the rest of the story goes to my grave...

Roberta Flack: Hell, I saw her in concert with my ex! You know how that story ended...that was a great night!

The Isley Brothers: Voyage to Atlantis. Let me repeat myself...VOYAGE TO ATLANTIS!!!

I could go on for a minute, but you get the idea. The majority of these artists have a few things in common

1. Longevity

2. Classic Music

3. Love of music and skill of the lyric

Can we apply these elements to Usher, Chris Brown, Ne-Yo et al? I say no but what do you think?


Uniqpoet Says --

Ahh, the ever-present argument about R&B and what's good or not. I try to put myself in the moment and ask, "would I fuck with this if I were 18 years old?" The answer is probably. Now, it's hard for me to truly believe that because I had a mother who listened to Stevie Wonder, cousins that listened to George Duke and Parliament, and let's not forget about Earth, Wind & Fire. So, the question is this: if I were 18, would I still have some of those musical influences on my taste? Probably not.

So....

Reality. I'm a child of the 70's. My influences by way of family, friends, and the radio (back when it was good) included Phyllis Hyman, Anita Baker, Luther Vandross, Earth, Wind & Fire, The O'Jays, George Duke, Parliament, Chaka Khan & Rufus and a bunch of other folks. I know what a LOVE song sounds like. I know what baby-making music sounds like. Having said that, I'm not going to let my music snobbery completely diss any and all of today's music.

But....

There's simply no replacement for Phyllis Hyman or Sade. There will never be another LTD or EWF or Parliament. First of all, the whole idea of a GROUP seems to be lost. Like Woody said, there's a Chris Brown and a Ne-Yo and an Usher. There's a Beyoncé, Alicia Keys, and Mary J. Blige. Yet, I don't know about timeless performers. I like Alicia and was encouraged when she first came out. Now...I just don't know. Beyoncé might be able to blow, but I'm not truly feeling her either. Let's put it out there right now.

There are simply no OLDER R&B artists!!!

If you're not twenty-something and video-worthy, then you're not going to be successful. Jennifer Hudson is doing her thing but they'll find a way to slim her down, glam her up instead of letting her voice do all the talking.

I agree with the Professor on his 3 points. These kids are writing their own material but it's just HORRIBLE. Beautiful lyrics...are they no more?

Awwwww, fuck it! I could go on and on!! This is just the FIRST installment. More to come!!!

Peace....